Eeeep!

Do I know what I want? - No, but I have an idea...
What am I affraid of? - I don't know, but feeling the Shiva and Shakti energy playing in an innocent situtaion, REALLY scared me. And when I said no to it, I felt like I lost.

I am trying so hard to make the hens night for my friend a success. But I am so fed up with her friends! Are they not friends!!!?!?! Firstly, their priorities are all warped. Secondly, they are dropping out like flies. Thridly, WHY are they ALLLLLL broke and have some emergency. AND, finally WHY do they not want to participate in some fun and first say yes and then after I pay for it pull out and say no. I'M NOT EVEN ORGANISING ANYTHING RISKE!!!!!!! Ass holes! The fact is, if I had work, or got offered to do a gig on the evening of my close friends hen's night, I'd go to the hen's night and say no to the rest. Looks like I'm the only one.
SOOOOOOO the hens night is costing me over $1,000 why? because people keep pulling out after I pay for things, and because so many people are broke. It's trully disappointing.

I really want to learn Bhangra. But it feels so polluted now. I didn't expect to become social and friendly with the teacher, and now it's just odd. Plain odd. So I said no. And now, as per usual feeling after one says no, I feel I have lost out on something. I think THIS is the fear of a loss of Shiva energy for ever.

It felt good to take some time out and talk some of these things through with a colleague. I'm still settling in at work, and really, honestly, trully, am none the wiser. At least I am starting to work out where the boundries of my role are and what to keep versus what to pass on to someone else. Please let me learn it well....