even this cooking chocolate tastes bad
even this cooking chocolate tastes bad
even this cooking chocolate tastes bad
even this cooking chocolate tastes bad
even this cooking chocolate tastes bad
even this cooking chocolate tastes bad
even this cooking chocolate tastes bad
even this cooking chocolate tastes bad
even this cooking chocolate tastes bad
even this cooking chocolate tastes bad
Friday, December 4, 2009
Thursday, December 3, 2009
WI 3: Paying your dues
i go to an accountant with INTEGRITY!
$4,000
that's how much I have to pay the tax office
it's going to be tough, but at least the accountant didn't compromise her moral righeousness.
i do appreciate roads, healthcare, safety, public transport, laws... i appreciate these things...
i joked that i was to become a prostitute by night to be able to afford life... i got told to shutup. it was a joke! if we can't joke about such things, danger will come. danger will come in form of surpression and in form of hidden activities, alienation, loss of safety.... talk! - say the dark things on your mind! that's actually what keeps us safe (the freedom of speech and exploration of thoughts in open environments).
So, I pay my tax. because, tax money goes to grants, it goes to education institutions, to healthcare to keep people healthy and alive, towards roads to join people.... paying tax leads to people coming together and talking. and it's the talking that leads to safety. i want to feel safe.
i don't care much whether this makes sense or not. but the 5 minutes is up, and discipline is discipline. sometimes you just have to push through shit-piles of letters and form nonsense.... just so you tick a box and move on.
$4,000
that's how much I have to pay the tax office
it's going to be tough, but at least the accountant didn't compromise her moral righeousness.
i do appreciate roads, healthcare, safety, public transport, laws... i appreciate these things...
i joked that i was to become a prostitute by night to be able to afford life... i got told to shutup. it was a joke! if we can't joke about such things, danger will come. danger will come in form of surpression and in form of hidden activities, alienation, loss of safety.... talk! - say the dark things on your mind! that's actually what keeps us safe (the freedom of speech and exploration of thoughts in open environments).
So, I pay my tax. because, tax money goes to grants, it goes to education institutions, to healthcare to keep people healthy and alive, towards roads to join people.... paying tax leads to people coming together and talking. and it's the talking that leads to safety. i want to feel safe.
i don't care much whether this makes sense or not. but the 5 minutes is up, and discipline is discipline. sometimes you just have to push through shit-piles of letters and form nonsense.... just so you tick a box and move on.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
An idea! - MYCERCISE
I had an idea! There is a better way to exercise, I more personalised approach surrounded by the things you love.
MYCERCISE!
You can feel that your neck is tense, you can feel your legs haven't moved for a while... well, focus on them! Use your imagination to initiate the movements you are lacking in those areas. How do you know if you're getting better? Do it to your favourite song. Then when you can do it for a whole song, do it for 2 of your favourite songs!
It's a great idea! Just move... how you feel... listen to your body develop a realisation of what you need, and then do it.
It saves you money, it gives you exactly what you need, you can create a playlist of your favourite tunes, you can gage your progress and control your development.
I'll attempt to create a video and show you all... hehehe... it's personal training made actually personal....
MYCERCISE!
You can feel that your neck is tense, you can feel your legs haven't moved for a while... well, focus on them! Use your imagination to initiate the movements you are lacking in those areas. How do you know if you're getting better? Do it to your favourite song. Then when you can do it for a whole song, do it for 2 of your favourite songs!
It's a great idea! Just move... how you feel... listen to your body develop a realisation of what you need, and then do it.
It saves you money, it gives you exactly what you need, you can create a playlist of your favourite tunes, you can gage your progress and control your development.
I'll attempt to create a video and show you all... hehehe... it's personal training made actually personal....
Friday, November 20, 2009
A state of annoyance, a state of surveilance.
I'm sick of it!
- The surveilance by my mother!
I'm sick of it!
- The annoyance by my know it all sister!
I'm old, let me be free!
- The surveilance by my mother!
I'm sick of it!
- The annoyance by my know it all sister!
I'm old, let me be free!
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Eeeep!
Do I know what I want? - No, but I have an idea...
What am I affraid of? - I don't know, but feeling the Shiva and Shakti energy playing in an innocent situtaion, REALLY scared me. And when I said no to it, I felt like I lost.
I am trying so hard to make the hens night for my friend a success. But I am so fed up with her friends! Are they not friends!!!?!?! Firstly, their priorities are all warped. Secondly, they are dropping out like flies. Thridly, WHY are they ALLLLLL broke and have some emergency. AND, finally WHY do they not want to participate in some fun and first say yes and then after I pay for it pull out and say no. I'M NOT EVEN ORGANISING ANYTHING RISKE!!!!!!! Ass holes! The fact is, if I had work, or got offered to do a gig on the evening of my close friends hen's night, I'd go to the hen's night and say no to the rest. Looks like I'm the only one.
SOOOOOOO the hens night is costing me over $1,000 why? because people keep pulling out after I pay for things, and because so many people are broke. It's trully disappointing.
I really want to learn Bhangra. But it feels so polluted now. I didn't expect to become social and friendly with the teacher, and now it's just odd. Plain odd. So I said no. And now, as per usual feeling after one says no, I feel I have lost out on something. I think THIS is the fear of a loss of Shiva energy for ever.
It felt good to take some time out and talk some of these things through with a colleague. I'm still settling in at work, and really, honestly, trully, am none the wiser. At least I am starting to work out where the boundries of my role are and what to keep versus what to pass on to someone else. Please let me learn it well....
What am I affraid of? - I don't know, but feeling the Shiva and Shakti energy playing in an innocent situtaion, REALLY scared me. And when I said no to it, I felt like I lost.
I am trying so hard to make the hens night for my friend a success. But I am so fed up with her friends! Are they not friends!!!?!?! Firstly, their priorities are all warped. Secondly, they are dropping out like flies. Thridly, WHY are they ALLLLLL broke and have some emergency. AND, finally WHY do they not want to participate in some fun and first say yes and then after I pay for it pull out and say no. I'M NOT EVEN ORGANISING ANYTHING RISKE!!!!!!! Ass holes! The fact is, if I had work, or got offered to do a gig on the evening of my close friends hen's night, I'd go to the hen's night and say no to the rest. Looks like I'm the only one.
SOOOOOOO the hens night is costing me over $1,000 why? because people keep pulling out after I pay for things, and because so many people are broke. It's trully disappointing.
I really want to learn Bhangra. But it feels so polluted now. I didn't expect to become social and friendly with the teacher, and now it's just odd. Plain odd. So I said no. And now, as per usual feeling after one says no, I feel I have lost out on something. I think THIS is the fear of a loss of Shiva energy for ever.
It felt good to take some time out and talk some of these things through with a colleague. I'm still settling in at work, and really, honestly, trully, am none the wiser. At least I am starting to work out where the boundries of my role are and what to keep versus what to pass on to someone else. Please let me learn it well....
Friday, November 6, 2009
Absolutely annoyed.
How would you feel when the things you are interested in and want to do make you feel that you appear like an imposter to others because you're not meant to want those things?
How would you feel when every important meeting and appointment is scheduled over the top of what you are interested in and want to do?
How would feel if you had to hide the things you are interested because noone understood?
How would you feel if every day started with a battle?
How would you manage wanting to be free and say everything on your mind, while wanting to say it as yourself?
How do you balance all of these things? Because, I don't think you're any different from me. The thoughts that go through your head... if anyone knew them...
How would you feel when every important meeting and appointment is scheduled over the top of what you are interested in and want to do?
How would feel if you had to hide the things you are interested because noone understood?
How would you feel if every day started with a battle?
How would you manage wanting to be free and say everything on your mind, while wanting to say it as yourself?
How do you balance all of these things? Because, I don't think you're any different from me. The thoughts that go through your head... if anyone knew them...
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
WI 2: Participation
Happy Melbourne cup everyone! I hope you all dressed up at work :).... and if not.... bad, bad, bad... you are not participating in some of our limited social interactions and exitements.
I dressed up and felt like a dweeb walking to my car, but once I arrived at work, there were a couple of others who dressed up! I felt more connected to those who dressed up... they cared, they wanted to play a part, they were ready to pick the moments and make them exciting/unique/special, they were ready to gamble and risk that noone else would dress up. For some reason this means a lot to me. I also believe it means a lot to others, everyone participating within their means. I understand noone wants to be forced to participate, but landmark participation events (in my mind) have to be made, to punctuate the flow of time and to keep me thinking to participate. If I hadn't participated, I feel like I wouldn't have seized the time. And I want to!...
A building of shared experiences and a creation of communities of action by means of displayed participation - it can lead to greater things. Many things seem too big or impossible to me because I often forgotten the stairs by which to get to the impossible things. Recently I have been not just thinking, but believing and accepting it as normal, that anything is possible. Call it "invincibility of youth" (as my dad does), but I don't think that's it... I may lack patience to execute or my attention may get called upon by other ideas, but I am of the belief I can create a plan and path towards anything. Participation, it's a step towards trusting the people around you, like the neighbour you never talk to, I want to take the step more. I am trying to bring participation into new contexts. Not sure how to explain what I mean. I don't want to be called out for an audience participation exercise and that be my "participation mode" trigger. I just want to do it, be more involved. Can you please do the same? For some reason it means a lot to me.... like when one athlete from some remote country in Africa walks around the Olympic stadium waving his country's flag... he showed up man! He knew he was probably going to be the only one, but he wanted to take the chance and participate. It really stirrs emotions in me to see the athletes from smaller countries fighting for the opportunity to participate, I feel like it is uniting a global humanity... wanky it may be... but it makes me teary when I watch it on TV.
By the way, TED India will be starting any day now! I am so excited to hear all of the speakers... recently I have been jumping a lot to Bhangra and have come to recognise it as my second skin...
I dressed up and felt like a dweeb walking to my car, but once I arrived at work, there were a couple of others who dressed up! I felt more connected to those who dressed up... they cared, they wanted to play a part, they were ready to pick the moments and make them exciting/unique/special, they were ready to gamble and risk that noone else would dress up. For some reason this means a lot to me. I also believe it means a lot to others, everyone participating within their means. I understand noone wants to be forced to participate, but landmark participation events (in my mind) have to be made, to punctuate the flow of time and to keep me thinking to participate. If I hadn't participated, I feel like I wouldn't have seized the time. And I want to!...
A building of shared experiences and a creation of communities of action by means of displayed participation - it can lead to greater things. Many things seem too big or impossible to me because I often forgotten the stairs by which to get to the impossible things. Recently I have been not just thinking, but believing and accepting it as normal, that anything is possible. Call it "invincibility of youth" (as my dad does), but I don't think that's it... I may lack patience to execute or my attention may get called upon by other ideas, but I am of the belief I can create a plan and path towards anything. Participation, it's a step towards trusting the people around you, like the neighbour you never talk to, I want to take the step more. I am trying to bring participation into new contexts. Not sure how to explain what I mean. I don't want to be called out for an audience participation exercise and that be my "participation mode" trigger. I just want to do it, be more involved. Can you please do the same? For some reason it means a lot to me.... like when one athlete from some remote country in Africa walks around the Olympic stadium waving his country's flag... he showed up man! He knew he was probably going to be the only one, but he wanted to take the chance and participate. It really stirrs emotions in me to see the athletes from smaller countries fighting for the opportunity to participate, I feel like it is uniting a global humanity... wanky it may be... but it makes me teary when I watch it on TV.
By the way, TED India will be starting any day now! I am so excited to hear all of the speakers... recently I have been jumping a lot to Bhangra and have come to recognise it as my second skin...
Saturday, October 31, 2009
WI 1: A Good surprise
Firstly, I had an excellent Bhangra dance class today! I do feel I have trouble being free and sincere, even in my dancing, but.... I'm working on it, especially the "drying hands" motion.
So.... World Improvement action number 1.... What was it??? It was going to a friends birthday who I hadn't seen in ages. Pretty ordinairy right? Well... not really. She didn't even know I was going to come (we hadn't seen eachother in probably over a year maybe two????!) - It was a good surprise, ... I hope..... and, maybe with the help of the butterfly effect, it will have other positive flow-on effects. It felt really good to see my friend again, and it felt very comfortable to be around someone I have known for so long. I can't believe how long we hadn't seen eachother for! Well, we're friends on Facebook, but what does that even mean! I'm starting to delete people from the addictive monster because if anything, Facebook is making me anti-social. Facebook makes me feel I am in touch with someone I actually am not.... and this illusion is not something I like.
I hope I made my friend happier with the surprise appearance at her birthday, it certainly made me feel happier.:)
Happy birthday friend!
So.... World Improvement action number 1.... What was it??? It was going to a friends birthday who I hadn't seen in ages. Pretty ordinairy right? Well... not really. She didn't even know I was going to come (we hadn't seen eachother in probably over a year maybe two????!) - It was a good surprise, ... I hope..... and, maybe with the help of the butterfly effect, it will have other positive flow-on effects. It felt really good to see my friend again, and it felt very comfortable to be around someone I have known for so long. I can't believe how long we hadn't seen eachother for! Well, we're friends on Facebook, but what does that even mean! I'm starting to delete people from the addictive monster because if anything, Facebook is making me anti-social. Facebook makes me feel I am in touch with someone I actually am not.... and this illusion is not something I like.
I hope I made my friend happier with the surprise appearance at her birthday, it certainly made me feel happier.:)
Happy birthday friend!
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Ticking boxes
Things at work are making more sense.... yes!!....
Lots of meetings arranged, hoping to learn things quickly.
The emergence of a stalker is something I don't particularly want in my life right now. - no matter how flattering it is.
Bhangra private dance class this saturday - booked.
Gig today after work - done.
Missing some warmth though,
Ticking boxes - that's all I can manage to do today.
Tick, tick, tick.
Lots of meetings arranged, hoping to learn things quickly.
The emergence of a stalker is something I don't particularly want in my life right now. - no matter how flattering it is.
Bhangra private dance class this saturday - booked.
Gig today after work - done.
Missing some warmth though,
Ticking boxes - that's all I can manage to do today.
Tick, tick, tick.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
very lovely
a busy but good day....
a friend organised a dinner at which i saw lots of people i hadn't seen in ages...
do you ever get the urge to tell someone everything?? - you just wish they'd keep pushing and asking.... that's what i felt tonight.... it was a good feeling
the yoga thing is not working out for me... (upset about that)... i'll probably ask for a refund or a credit. :( except i really do want to do it, but it feels impossible to juggle it with work etc. so, instead, i will continue my blog but writing about what i wanted to write initially... world improvement. yes.
it was a lovely evening, i wish it had continued a little while longer.
a friend organised a dinner at which i saw lots of people i hadn't seen in ages...
do you ever get the urge to tell someone everything?? - you just wish they'd keep pushing and asking.... that's what i felt tonight.... it was a good feeling
the yoga thing is not working out for me... (upset about that)... i'll probably ask for a refund or a credit. :( except i really do want to do it, but it feels impossible to juggle it with work etc. so, instead, i will continue my blog but writing about what i wanted to write initially... world improvement. yes.
it was a lovely evening, i wish it had continued a little while longer.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Where is my bhangra?? :(
So today was a great day at work! I felt like I knew a little more... YAY!
Then I went to the Bhangra dance class at Dance Central in Sydney... firstly, the woman at the reception was rude, that first got me offside. Then, the class was full of these talking teeny boppy girls and I think we stood while they chatted for more than we danced. This made me feel quite angry but also agitated because I was wasting my time.
- I work the whole day, I deserve a good solid hour of Bhangra jumping! Where can I get it! - I have no idea... I can't get enough Bhangra... and I feel I can't live without it. It's a weird feeling.
Then I went to the Bhangra dance class at Dance Central in Sydney... firstly, the woman at the reception was rude, that first got me offside. Then, the class was full of these talking teeny boppy girls and I think we stood while they chatted for more than we danced. This made me feel quite angry but also agitated because I was wasting my time.
- I work the whole day, I deserve a good solid hour of Bhangra jumping! Where can I get it! - I have no idea... I can't get enough Bhangra... and I feel I can't live without it. It's a weird feeling.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Blog - keep it going...
woah... so tired... just enough energy to write this blog. got to keep the discipline going... feeling overload at new job... there is so many posibilities! - i need a RAM increase... as does my computer :)
too tired to go to yoga, to tired to dance, tired enough to have a quick shower and go to bed. i feel dead. but hopeful! but dead...
tonight is going to be an early night.
too tired to go to yoga, to tired to dance, tired enough to have a quick shower and go to bed. i feel dead. but hopeful! but dead...
tonight is going to be an early night.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
And the day is gone!
Ah - what a hectic day!
... yet nothing got done.
How can this even happen?
I set harsh limits on everything I do... for instance:
- this posting can't take more than 10 minutes to write and post
- a standard email can't take more than 3 minutes to write
etc.
So much rushing, but still there is a feeling of not having done anything. Sure, done somethings, but the feeling of not having done enough. Enough not as a quantity but a weight of importance?
I just ate the last banana in the house. Success!
... yet nothing got done.
How can this even happen?
I set harsh limits on everything I do... for instance:
- this posting can't take more than 10 minutes to write and post
- a standard email can't take more than 3 minutes to write
etc.
So much rushing, but still there is a feeling of not having done anything. Sure, done somethings, but the feeling of not having done enough. Enough not as a quantity but a weight of importance?
I just ate the last banana in the house. Success!
Monday, October 19, 2009
The hardest thing is starting
Sometimes the hardest thing is starting and you just have to throw yourself right into it by force. Even if it's rough, un-thought out and poorly structured.
I have big ideas and I often think I can improve things. I need to actually do them.
A lot of new and big things have happened to me recently. I bought a new car, I have a new job (today was the first day), I bought a house, I have started the 40 day yoga revolution program (today was the first day)... all this I feel is life trying to kick me in the butt (and me agreeing with it) to get a move on and start acting on my ideas, start maybe even improving the world.
I am starting by empowering myself with routine and discipline. The yoga, this blog.... I'll let you know how it's all going. Maybe the discipline will uncover the inner super hero I imagine to be in me... the best Stela Solar that Stela Solar can be...
This is the first breath. 1. It feels a little forced, I don't want to re-read it, I just want to keep moving and develop the discipline.
I have big ideas and I often think I can improve things. I need to actually do them.
A lot of new and big things have happened to me recently. I bought a new car, I have a new job (today was the first day), I bought a house, I have started the 40 day yoga revolution program (today was the first day)... all this I feel is life trying to kick me in the butt (and me agreeing with it) to get a move on and start acting on my ideas, start maybe even improving the world.
I am starting by empowering myself with routine and discipline. The yoga, this blog.... I'll let you know how it's all going. Maybe the discipline will uncover the inner super hero I imagine to be in me... the best Stela Solar that Stela Solar can be...
This is the first breath. 1. It feels a little forced, I don't want to re-read it, I just want to keep moving and develop the discipline.
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